Oct 27, 2009 11:27 pm US/Eastern
Those Little White Lies May Be Hurting Your Kids
BOSTON (WBZ) ―
All parents tell their children how important it is to tell the truth. But what about parents themselves? New research indicates it's often a case of "Do as I say, not as I do."
Gail Heyman, a psychology professor at University of California in San Diego, interviewed hundreds of parents for her research. She found that many often lie to influence their child's behavior and emotions.
LIES OF CONVENIENCE
"The most surprising thing I got out of it was how many parents readily told their children lies of convenience," said Heyman.
Parents at
KidsU in Needham echoed the findings. Several told WBZ that they lie in order to get a child to do something they might not want to do. "If I feel that I don't want him to watch a particular cartoon show, I think it's a bit violent, then that channel may be 'broken'," said one mom.
"I know once he didn't want to go to school and I was like, 'let's just get in the car, we're going somewhere,'" said another.
OUTLANDISH THREATS
Heyman said, in her research, parents also confessed to using outlandish threats to influence a child's behavior. One dad told his young son that the car's hazard lights were actually an 'eject button,' that would launch a misbehaving child from the car.
Another mother told her child if he didn't finish all of his food, he would get pimples all over his face.
… IN THE LONG RUN
"I think in today's stressful world, sometimes it is tempting for parents to do what's convenient," says Susan Linn, a psychologist at the
Judge Baker Children's Center in Boston.
She believes that parents who lie may be hurting their kids in the long run. "Life is inevitably disappointing and it's helpful to children to learn early-on that they have the internal strength to cope with it, that they are able to compromise."
In other words, dealing with small disappointments now will help them deal with major ones later in life.
PROTECTION FROM REALITY?
Gail Heyman's research showed that parents often lie to make their kids happy, or to protect them from reality.
One mom explained how she tried to shelter her 7-year-old from the fact that their cat was dying. "I didn't talk about exactly why we took the cat to the vet, but in the end my daughter figured it out and was confused by my lack of details."
That, said Dr. Linn, is precisely the risk of lying. Children very often discover the truth. "We want our children to be able to trust us," she said. "It's a message to children that it's OK to lie because 'Mom does, so why shouldn't I?'"
CAUGHT IN A LIE
What should you do if your child catches you in a fib? Be truthful about your lie. "I think you have to put your hands up and say 'Mommy didn't tell the truth and that was bad and it shouldn't be done.'"
Parents should keep in mind the child's age when deciding how much to reveal. With younger children, the simpler the better. It's always okay to say "I'll talk to you about that when you're a little older."
Dr. Linn said it's important to balance truth with tact. You wouldn't be brutally honest with a 2-year-old, for example. You give them as much information as you feel they can handle.
(© MMIX, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)
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